ADHD and Defensiveness

Something I see frequently in couples where one person has ADHD is a high level of defensiveness. Now, what really is defensiveness? To me, defensiveness is a boundary that blocks negative feedback.

If you think about what many kids with ADHD symptoms experience growing up, this starts to make sense. Kids with ADHD are often really great at some subjects that capture their focus, and not so engaged with subjects that don’t. They get praised for some of what they do, but routinely criticized for not paying attention, not engaging, causing disruption, talking too much, forgetting things, etc. With someone who is getting that much critical feedback from all adults around them - teachers, parents, grandparents - it makes sense a little kid would have to develop a strong boundary to protect themselves from being constantly bathed in criticism.

Also, kids (and adults) with ADHD are often misunderstood. For someone with a neurotypical brain, it really can look confusing as to why someone is constantly late, messy, and forgetful. My dream is that one day we’ll have an Emotional-Reality headset, and when we put it on we actually can experience what it feels like in someone else’s mind. Until then, we have to use imagination and empathy. My next post will be on how some brains with ADHD get jammed up when there are multiple steps to a process, but for today, just knowing that people with ADHD hear criticism SO MUCH MORE than others, and have to develop strong internal boundaries to protect themselves from believing they are useless or worthless.

Of course, taking in critical feedback is essential for succeeding in careers and relationships. I wouldn’t get very far if I could never tolerate a client telling me that I misstepped in how I asked them a question, or a supervisor telling me I was missing the big picture for a couple. I wouldn’t be able to connect to my husband if I dismissed him when he told me I was being too controlling with what furniture we bought. Hearing those things feel so crappy in the moment, and I get a hot flush of shame when I hear I’ve messed up somehow. But I’m able to tolerate those things because I can regulate myself - I know I’m a good person, and everyone makes mistakes. It’s an act of love for someone to tell me (in a respectful way) if I fractured our connection in some way, because they want us to repair and continue feeling good together.

If you want to communicate something to your partner you suspect they’ll struggle with, try prefacing it with a safety signal to let them know you see their whole selves.

“You do so much for our family, and I want you to know I see that. I am feeling really stressed at how late we’re getting out of the house, and need to feel calmer in those times. Can we talk together about how to try some different stuff so I can feel calmer and less angry when we get in the car?”