You’re about to invest a lot of time and money into couples therapy, and I want you to fully understand the product you are buying to make sure you get a return on your investment.
Am I unsure if I want to stay married, or get married, to this person?
Am I extremely shut down/numb at this point in the relationship?
Am I actively considering if someone else would be a better fit for me?
Is it easy to get fixated on my partner’s behaviors and feel totally helpless to change anything myself?
Do I find pleasure in venting and wish I could continue expressing myself this way?
Do I feel stuck in the fantasy that my partner is going to change their sexual preferences, “allow themselves pleasure”, or suddenly let go of old grudges?
Am I ready to explore parts of myself that I may not have yet been aware of?
Am I interested in a therapists help to look at myself and my partner differently?
Am I ready to cope with the feelings of shame?
Am I willing to consider my partner is just as scared and hurt as I am?
Even if I see myself as doing everything possible to make this relationship better, and working harder than my partner on making this relationship better, am I still ready to put in a lot of work?
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This happens in tough situations, and is totally fine to work with, but please know that we will be in a discernment phase and not working on re-building the relationship unless/until this shifts
These are all human responses, but signals that someone is not actually wanting to do self-work, rather that they are coming to couples therapy in hopes their partner changes. While understandable, this will not yield positive results.
This mental openness will yield you the best results in couples therapy, which is a process of looking at patterns that have been hard to fully see, and changing what patterns you choose to.