What is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is a process where I try to understand the world from your eyes, help you see the patterns that are keeping you stuck and preventing your goals, and if you choose to, change those patterns.
This is a simple explanation for a complex process. Humans are complex! We have many layers of ambivalence towards change, ways we avoid grief by wishing for something different, and ways we avoid the trauma of our past. Everyone is different for if and how therapy would work for them.
Below are some good self-evaluators for if couples therapy is the right investment for you.
You’re about to invest a lot of time and money into couples therapy, and I want you to fully understand the product you are buying to make sure you get a return on your investment.
Am I unsure if I want to stay married, or get married, to this person?
Am I extremely shut down/numb at this point in the relationship?
Am I actively considering if someone else would be a better fit for me?
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This happens in tough situations, and is totally fine to work with, but please know that we will be in a discernment phase and not working on re-building the relationship unless/until this shifts
Is it easy to get fixated on my partner’s behaviors and feel totally helpless to change anything myself?
Do I find pleasure in venting and wish I could continue expressing myself this way?
Do I feel stuck in the fantasy that my partner is going to change their sexual preferences, “allow themselves pleasure”, or suddenly let go of old grudges?
These are all human responses, but signals that someone is not actually wanting to do self-work, rather that they are coming to couples therapy in hopes their partner changes. While understandable, this will not yield positive results.
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Am I ready to explore parts of myself that I may not have yet been aware of?
Am I interested in a therapist’s help to look at myself and my partner differently?
Am I ready to cope with the feelings of shame?
Am I willing to consider my partner is just as scared and hurt as I am?
Even if I see myself as doing everything possible to make this relationship better, and working harder than my partner on making this relationship better, am I still ready to put in a lot of work?
This mental openness will yield you the best results in couples therapy, which is a process of looking at patterns that have been hard to fully see, and changing what patterns you choose to.