Better Communication
When you are upset at your partner, it’s hard to communicate well. And no one will ever do it perfectly all the time. But, if you want a healthy relationship, it’s important to learn how to do it well enough that it doesn’t continue to leave one partner feeling alone, and the other partner feeling disliked and shamed.
Like physical health, good communication is about choosing what you want more over what you want now. It takes practice, it takes uncomfortable work, and it’s less satisfying than doing what you want in the moment. As my supervisor says frequently, self-work is often boring and uncomfortable.
When I am feeling wronged, the last thing I want to do is pause and self-reflect. It feels much more powerful to feel RIGHT about how I’m viewing the situation and acting. But in relationships there is a complex reality. There are the real feelings I’m feeling, which are totally valid. And there is the real likelihood I am not seeing my contribution to the situation I hate, or my partner’s experience of me.
Here is my idea of a roadmap to better communication. Please keep in mind that this is a general outline and some situations unfortunately won’t be influenced by better communication.
Telling my partner I’m upset:
Superficial level: You are dumb or bad for doing X, what’s wrong with you?
More self-reflective level: I get freaked out or hurt when you do X
Most self-reflective level: Because of my negative experience with Y, or because of the values I was raised with, I have a sensitivity here and get especially freaked out or hurt when you do X
Asking my partner for what I need to feel better:
Superficial level: You need to do this specific thing, you’re dumb/lazy/uncaring for not doing this specific thing
More self-reflective level: It would help me if you did this specific thing because it makes me anxious when you don’t
Most self-reflective level: Because this is a sensitive spot for me, can we collaborate together about a solution that would help me feel more secure in general?
Instead of thinking “Of course I’m triggered by my partner’s bad behavior, they’re terrible at (initiating sex, helping with the kids, telling me they love me, staying out too late)” it’s more accurate to realize, “I’m especially triggered when my partner does this thing, and therefore I use poor communication because I’m freaked out, and then I make them feel terrible, and likely prevent myself from getting the help I need. I absolutely deserve help, and it’s totally ok that I’m feeling upset, but if I shame/demand, I will not get what I need.”
I hope this is helpful. Remember that this is just one tiny blog post, and life is filled with more mystery and nuance than ice-cold certainty. Self-awareness and self-development is never, ever mastered. It’s a life-long project.