Boundaries
There are few things harder to uphold than boundaries. But so much chaos, stress, and resentment can happen when we don’t.
The more important someone is to us, the more we share space, time, and our bodies (in different ways) with them. We understandably associate love with having fewer boundaries. I don’t hug a stranger, but I will let my friend hug me. I don’t talk to a co-worker about their problems for an hour after work, but will happily give that time to my partner or a friend.
Many of us were raised with parents or caregivers that had confusing, too poor, or too rigid of boundaries (likely because of how they were raised). In some cases, we learned that love = having NO boundaries, because a parent would get angry if we had a boundary. In some cases, we learned that love = never relaxing a boundary, because a parent told us they loved us but never shared any time or resources with us. In really challenging family systems, we never formed any rules around boundaries because our parent’s rules about boundaries changed constantly. One day you were praised for coming in their room to say goodnight, the next day you were screamed at for coming in to say goodnight.
So, when we talk about boundaries, what we’re really talking about is how we relate to people we care about. As a former supervisor once told me when I was struggling to hold a boundary with a client, “You train people how to treat you.”
Boundaries are important because they preserve your own energy and happiness, and help you give generously without resentment or anxiety. Boundaries also communicate that you can take care of yourself, and you don’t need your children or spouse to take care of you (here can be another tricky place to hold a boundary - if I show myself to be capable, how will I get care and protection?). Boundaries always carry the inherent risk of loss. There are plenty of people who will be so disturbed by you having a boundary that they will choose not to be in relationship with you. That is sad and scary, and also helpful data.
Remember that a boundary isn’t about controlling someone else’s behavior - unfortunately we have no power there. It’s about controlling our space and time and body. Here are some examples, in case they help:
“I would love to see you tonight, but the kids and I need to go to bed early. If you can be here by 7pm, great, and if it’s later than that, I will not be able to see you.”
“I’m not hugging anyone right now because I can’t get sick this week.”
“If you can call me before 9pm, great, but I'll be turning off my phone after that.”
To be honest, the people you have to be this explicit with are often the ones who are going to have the hardest time with you having a boundary. Most people need just a little information to appropriately attune to your boundaries. So, here are common responses you’ll hear from people who are hurt and offended by your boundary, and some things you can try in response:
“How dare you control my schedule! You know I have so much going on, I always try to get there on time!”
“I’m not controlling your schedule, I’m controlling mine. It causes me a lot of exhaustion to wait for you and it’s making me feel more resentment towards you than is healthy for me.”
“Oh come on, I’m totally healthy! Are you like a fragile little hypochondriac or something?”
“Yep.”
“It’s always ALL about you, you know we have so much to talk through!”
“We do, and I am totally open to talk anytime before 9pm. Is there a time before then you’d like me to set aside time for?”
I also find it helpful to watch tv/movie characters who exhibit good boundaries to give myself some modeling of how people can be both caring and boundaried. My favorite example right now is Ms. Howard on the show Abbott Elementary.
For today, see if you can play around with the idea that boundaries = an act of love to create a healthy relationship with someone you care about.