Effort vs No Effort
It’s really hard to see your partner successfully remember and follow through on tasks in some areas, but not in the relationship area. I think this naturally makes people question if the partner with ADHD simply doesn’t want to put in the effort to do those tasks for their spouse. It starts to create a pit of fear and resentment, forming the belief that you are not important enough for your partner to remember/follow through for.
Let’s go through the action steps you can take:
Compassion for self. It’s hard when (insert name) doesn’t remember or follow through on the acts of love and service that I put effort into doing for them. It’s draining when work feels one-sided. Sometimes this dynamic is just hard. It’s ok that I feel sad/disappointed/frustrated.
Identification of need. What kind of reassurance do I need from my partner? What kind of validation do I need? Where may I need to pull back my effort? If I can’t change that they have ADHD, can I still ask for a reassurance I may need?
Compassion for other. It can be helpful to remember that the person with ADHD will thrive in certain environments. If work is structured, with immediate rewards, or the annual kids trip is routine and steps are well understood, these are likely places where it looks like the person with ADHD suddenly is more caring and effortful. In fact, it’s likely that the environment just makes it easier to follow through on these tasks.
Communication. Because someone ADHD very quickly hears their partner as “negative” and goes all or nothing with their thinking, it can be Very helpful to put a safety signal up front:
“I see all the work you do for me and for our family, and I truly appreciate it. It’s been hard for me this month that you haven’t followed through on those reservations we talked about to spend some one on one time together. I’m feeling forgotten about, and need some reassurance.”
For the person with ADHD, try for a combo of preserving yourself without totally discounting/defending against the genuine miss.
“It’s hard to hear I’ve let you down because that’s never my intent. However, I can see that I have back-burnered/forgotten about the reservations. It’s not because you’re not important to me. I’m going to get on that right now.”