Dual Empathy

Both parties of any relationship appreciate empathy from the other, so this is nothing new or original for couples with neurodivergence. But with neurodivergent relationships, it can be really hard to understand where your parter is coming from because you each look so different from each other. One person looks like the long-suffering perfectionist, getting things done, but with a tone of condescension. The other looks like they simply aren’t trying to help or self-regulate enough to be a good collaborator and help-mate. I more often hear the person with ADHD asking for empathy, which makes sense because they are the minority living in a world that is built for neurotypical brains. They’re asking, “please, please empathize with the reality that my brain works differently, and I am not trying to be unhelpful/bad/reactive!”

The issue though is that the neurotypical partner has extended so much patience and empathy already, and gone without their needs getting met for so long, they feel like they are being asked for more without being given back to. It can feel like an unfair request for more empathy.

Here is where I propose you each look at each other as endurance athletes. The neurodivergent partner has to use so much muscle to succeed in this linear, neurotypical world, that OF COURSE they will hit muscle failure and then forget, be late, or zone out into their phones. We can have empathy for that muscle failure. In the same mental space, we can see that the neurotypical partner has to use so much muscle to be patient, to accept the labor of reminding, picking up after, being the constant back-up for the kids in case their partner is late or forgetful, without screaming in frustration. OF COURSE this partner will hit muscle failure in their patience and extra labor, and be snappy or rude sometimes.

If this cycle happens, maybe it’s possible to access dual empathy for the muscle failure you each will inevitably hit. Both of you are truly trying your hardest, and both of you will hit your limits.